The Knight in Shining Armor

This is a story about finding the humor is little things, the interactions between strangers, and extending a hand of friendship. I have to tell you this story about how one “prop”, the Knight, has given us great joy over the years.
A woman named Trish had a floral shop in our small town back in the mid-90’s. She was an exceptionally gifted designer and shipped her merchandise all over the world. Trish was also a single mom, and lived next door to my mother-in-law. Trish and I became girlfriends and eventually, Trish was one of Gunner’s godmothers.
Well, Trish had a metal knock-off version of a knight in armor in her store. I wanted it, badly, and imagined all the things I could do with the knight. Yet, the price was too steep, $325, and my Presbyterian pragmatism could not justify the expense.
Disaster struck one day, and Trish’s store had a fire. The store was ACROSS the street from our fire department…… which gave the fire department boys an excuse to drag out all their BIG toys and REALLY put out the fire in grand fashion. Her inventory was a total loss. She called me, about 9:30am, crying, and asked me to come down and see if there was anything I could salvage for our B&B. It was a real life fire sale.
The girls and I left the B&B to find Trish, sobbing, sitting in the middle of the ashes. The place smelled so bad we could barely breathe. It was dark, and we followed her sobs to get to her. We needed an attack plan. I sent one girlfriend home for gloves, wheelbarrows, and to call my construction husband to bring in commercial lighting and big fans. We had to be able to work. We also brought Trish breakfast and a big commercial coffee pot for us all.
Husband arrived with enough lighting for a football field, and he stayed to help us haul. Many items were salvageable and inch-by-inch, Trish and I made deals on the spot. She sold me the “knight” I wanted for $25. We hauled items back to the B&B. Another girlfriend/staff to me, husband (Glen – who looked like the Marlboro man) showed up to pick her up and he helped us. A few more girlfriends and husbands appeared, and husband’s buddy, the architect, and his brother appeared. Someone left to get burgers for lunch, and by 4pm we made sufficient progress. Knocking off for the day, we all came back to the B&B for a cold beer and cheap wine. Husband picked up a stack of ribeyes. I had plenty of sides ready to go, and we were ready to fire up the grill for an impromptu “fire” party. Trish was feeling a bit better with all the camaraderie.
We were really drinking pretty heavily. Trish was sad, exhausted, and in grief. The rest of us smelled like firefighters and were covered in soot, but we didn’t care. We were all in the den, laughing and carrying on……… when the doorbell rang and shocked me back into reality………. we had guests at the door.
“SSSSHSHhhhhhh, hiccup, …….shhhhhh”, I said, “We have guests!” Instantly, everyone shrank like I was the overbearing librarian. “I’ll get the guests checked in and then we can grill.” They were fine and I disappeared to straighten myself and reappear like a well-put-together hostess…. not easy. Our guests were nurses on their way home from a vacation at a spa in French Lick, Indiana. They were supposed to go to the Virgin Islands, but because of a hurricane, their choice in tourist destinations was altered at the last minute.
The nurses gave me the impression they were not happy with their trip to Indiana. As they related their story, the sounds of muffled laughter, hard to ignore, emanated from the den. “What’s going on?”, said one of the nurses. I explained what happened, the fire, the day, and that our friends had reconnoitered at our house and were now drinking after a long day. I apologized for the interruption when one of the nurses said, “Oh yeah, whatchaya’ll…..llll drinking?”, and she took off for the den like a shot. Other nurses quickly followed, with me, dragging up the rear. The nurses became part of our party…….. and they hadn’t even checked in yet.
We descended into the Twilight Zone.
I’m not sure, specifically, what happened after that. The whole evening is kind of a blur. I do remember one of the nurses, in our bar, mixing perfectly separated B-52’s, cuz they were “pretty”. Understand, the nurses were incredibly wild. The architect and his brother were both tall and handsome men, Randy was a fireman, Glen looked like the Marlboro cowboy, and then, there was my husband. I remember the architect doing a kitchen demonstration on how to massage a woman’s feet….. mine….. when I said, “Don’t ever do that again.” I don’t remember when we went to bed or who stayed here.
It was a perfect storm.
Sunday morning, 1st husband had a “thing”. He always wants the yard to look good on Sunday mornings….. cuz everyone goes to church……. and some people stop in our yard to take pics in the garden with their children. Husband was the first one awake. He made coffee and sauntered out to the porch to take a look at the front yard…….. and next to our B&B marble entrance sign stood the Knight, wearing a white bra……
Oh, my….
I was still asleep. Husband rescued the Knight from the front yard and placed it at the end of our bed. I woke up to the Knight, wearing a bra…. and was mortified. Keep in mind, we are located smack-dab in the middle of the bible belt. Breakfast was a little rough that morning, but we all muddled through.
Husband was in the dining room when one of the nurses came down, wearing nothing but a flimsy robe, hanging out of it. Husband ran back to the kitchen and said, “I can’t go back out there, you have to do it…..”
The Knight was retired to our “Gentlemen’s Room” where I dusted him once a week. Over the years, we used the Knight for all kinds of things. At Christmas, we hung garland and lights around his neck, placed him on the staircase landing, and he became the “Knight Light”. For birthday parties, we put him out front, holding a large bunch of balloons, as in, “The party is here.” Brides took pictures with the “Knight in Shining Armor”. We also moved the Knight around to different parties, college dorms for Halloween, and the kids, as they grew up, used the Knight to guard their tree forts or bedrooms, as in, “Do not enter here”.
The decades passed and I’m now on Husband #2, kids are grown and gone. Yet, the Knight remains.
The Knight is about 5′ 6″ tall, and in periphery view, looks like a person. Several guests over the years mistook the Knight as an intruder in their room. Of course, we all laughed and giggled about the mistaken impression…… until we had one guy…… a horse guy….. a big burly guy….. who was completely spooked by the Knight.
Mr. Tim is a southern man, a man’s man, and shows horses. He was here with another buddy to do a show in town. At breakfast, his friend told the story of how Mr. Tim was so spooked by the knight, he reached for a pistol. In fact, he was so bothered by the Knight, he moved the Knight to an unoccupied room. Well, to see this big burly man, afraid of a Knight was funny to us…… and very, very, funny to his buddy. So, we sneaked into his room and put the Knight on top of his toilet. He came around the corner…….. and was scared to death. While Mr. Tim was here, the Knight served him breakfast, answered the door, we had all kinds of fun with the Knight and Mr. Tim.
Two years later, the same horse show comes around again. This time, we have a swanky, snobby, uppercrust, woman staying with us, from a ritzy and proper “Hunt Club”, who is showing her horse. Someone from her Hunt Club had stayed with us before, gave us a glowing review, and casually mentioned……. “The place is run by a fabulous gay couple – you’ll love them.”
So…… I was making breakfast in the kitchen, and asked my husband, the lawyer, the altar boy, the Boston born, never-do-anything-illegal, straight-laced Catholic, to take the plates out to serve our swanky guest. He was sitting at the table, doing his best to be prim, polite, and proper, when the swanky guest commented on her apple pancake, “This is delicious, did your husband make these?”……. He lost it, aghast, he said, “Husband? What do you mean, husband?” Guest replied, “Well, I assumed you were gay……” Husband, “What? What you mean I’m gay?!?”
Eventually, I rounded the corner with extra fruit, the mistake was realized and we all got a good laugh. Pretense = gone. We talked horses for an hour. My mom’s family raced and bred quarter-horses, and I was on a horse before I could walk. She commented on the horse photos in her room…… as well as the Knight. We fit together beautifully and cackled like old friends. By accident, the swanky woman took off with her B&B keys. Rather than make another copy, husband decided to catch her at the horse show before she left to retrieve the key……… when perchance, husband ran into Mr. Tim, the guy who was afraid of the Knight.
The swanky woman and Mr. Tim were old friends. Mr. Tim told swanky woman the story of the Knight….. which was in her same room, and how he was spooked by the Knight. Husband gave Mr. Tim grief about not staying with us this time, but Mr. Tim has moved up in the world and is now sponsored by Nutrena……. and Nutrena bought Mr. Tim a super lux $200K trailer for horses and living quarters to display at various horse shows. Mr. Tim gave husband a tour of his new “digs”. Quite impressive. Mr. Tim is now the rock star of the horse show circuit.
Husband came home, grinning from ear to ear, ran upstairs. I was making a bed and rounded the corner. “What are you doing?”, I asked. Husband, “I got an idea. It’s perfect.” Husband retrieved the Knight, put in the car and headed back to the horse show. He pasted a sign on the front of the Knight which read, “I missed you. Please take me home.”, and put it in the horse trailer section of Mr. Tim’s trailer.
At the end of a successful show, Mr. Tim went to load his trailer and opened the door….. to the Knight. Great prank. Of course, Mr. Tim stopped by to return, Arthur, the Knight back to our house. Lots of photos. The Knight even wore a cowboy hat for a while. Mr. Tim sent a pic to his wife and she replied, “Don’t bring that damn thing home!”
Best $25 I ever spent!