Back In My Day: Civilized War – Jehovah Shalom, Jehovah Raah

There are times in this series when I will take a trip back in time to establish a basis of understanding of other events and people to come. This would be one of those times. I am splitting it into multiple segments to cut the reading time as there is much ground to cover.

This guy had been struggling with heavy burdens of life from which he needed release. I had entered a tunnel through the years that led into darkness where I stumbled about, not sure how to exit. What I thought I knew from a year and a half of dating and being engaged in college, turned out to be fools gold. Our marriage was crumbling, we were just playing house, much less meeting the other’s needs. My occupational success and her family’s social acceptance was all that seemed to matter to them collectively. There was no depth of real love or commitment.

While searching for meaning in a life and hope for the future, I stopped going home for my lunch hour and started going to the library. My ex was rarely home anyway and when she was there was no conversation or the slightest interest in how my day was going. So, I spent my time reading in my office while eating a sandwich each day. I was drawn to books of faith and history as I never had much interest in fiction novels. The faith books were about personal journeys. They began connecting within my heart, only increasing my yearning to experience what the authors were conveying.

I had accepted Christ as my Savior and been baptized as a 11 year old, thereby receiving my fire insurance policy. For a couple of years afterwards my parents took me to church and I learned from the sermons while also reading my Bible at home. Then the teenage years happened and the dysfunction of my life at home with warring parents distracted me and them. We had never been a praying or Bible discussing family at home as it was. It was not until my senior year in college did the flame flicker a bit more in my soul. I began regularly attending church and became a member of the UMC in a local congregation of each community in which I lived afterwards. I got involved and served where asked.

Which led to nowhere. In reality it led to the point where I was as a young married man who was still alone and seeking.

Faithful Witnesses

Along the way I had noticed changes with two guys I had come to know around my age who were well known in the community from prominent families. At one time they ran with the “in” crowd like we did. We went to the same church and were in the same class, however, they left to join a different group. Over time I noticed that they were spending more of their time with family and a new set of friends, with much less time spent at civic activities, parties and the country club scene.

One Sunday at church they stopped me in the hall and told me they were starting a Bethel Bible Series program there and wondered if I would be interested in joining. It would be open to singles or couples. I immediately sensed this was it, what I had been seeking. I asked when and where, that I would be there and bring my wife if she was interested.

https://www.bethelbibleseries.org/history

I later learned what had happened to them. They had made major personal changes in their lives as they had also struggled with who they were becoming. They had been invited to attend Bethel training at a participating church in the area and loved it. They had completed basic and intermediate training in that Bethel series. Soon after they were confident they had the calling from the Lord to bring it to our church. You could easily see the positive changes in them. They were genuine and caring with everybody, not fake. Our senior pastor and council approved their request. They were both enrolled in the advanced teacher training with a local accredited Bethel teacher from the sponsoring church being available to be on site at our church until they were both certified. Upon their certification our church would be able to incorporate the series into our Bible study class offerings.

It was one of the very best decisions I have ever made in my life. Its pursuit also eventually brought my marital problems to a head.

I learned more within the Word and had my heart stirred. Scripture became real life. It literally jumped off the pages and I could not get enough. I studied and memorized with cards I prepared that I could use during my lunch hours, which was consumed with Bethel and the Bible. My evenings before bed were spent the same way. I realized my view of life and its meaning was dramatically changing. Other people started seeing changes in me. I was no longer interested in participating with the “in” crowd. I still enjoyed my golf game, however, my time at the club was reserved for just a round of golf for exercise and fun, nothing more.

My ex-wife came to the first few weeks of the basic course, but began making excuses not to go after a time. I began the intermediate course of study without her. The study required putting in the work between sessions and included self graded tests each week for you to judge your own progress. It was during this period, that our marriage finished collapsing. There was nothing left. I questioned God why he would bring me this far, for me to draw this close to Him only for my soon to be ex-wife to move farther away from me and Him. The draw of continuing her wealthy lifestyle and parents’ domination was simply too strong.

I then realized for the first time we were unequally yoked. Nothing I could do would ever change that as she had no interest while I had an all consuming thirst for the Word and what Jesus wanted for me, for us. I had hoped my ex could have the same thing, that we could experience the journey together and grow closer. But she rejected it and me. She wanted out if I did not agree to her terms of remaining married. She had no interest in the traditional scriptural reality of marriage. I finally convinced her to go to a church sponsored marital counselor and to speak with our pastor. She went with me one time to the counselor and refused to talk with the pastor. It was beneath her to do those things and put in the work. She did not like what they had to say. Through the years I had learned that prior to our marriage she had always been interested in men of social standing within the community, one was the son of a local bank owner who had married somebody else. He is the same man that became my ex’s third husband some 20 years later. But as for me in that period of time, I simply did not fit her profile anymore.

I had chosen Jesus and it was at a high cost. I paid it willingly.

When the community around us learned of our pending divorce they were startled but not shocked.

Our pastor understood and helped me through it all by counseling and praying for us. He wrote a letter of reference to my new church family later that year. He offered to be a reference on my resume. My two Bethel friends were right there. I still have the gift of a healing book with the kind, helpful words one wrote in it to me. There were people who I did not realize would be so consoling and supportive. I found I had some real friendships. My occupational mentor and his family were there for me and my mentor offered to relocate me into an even better job in another area. When I told him of my desire to move to east TN, he offered to be a much needed reference. I owe a debt of gratitude to all of them.

I learned that there are people who truly care, who are willing to step in the gap for others in difficult, dark places. It taught me to pay it forward. It restored my faith in humanity and confirmed my path.

The Final Curtain

After I officially filed for divorce for irreconcilable differences, a few months later it was final. It was all handled quietly in the judge’s chambers and there were no disputes over community property. I only wanted enough to start anew. They could have theirs plus part of mine since it had more value to my ex than my life and love. I had my car, my personal belongings and enough to carry me over until my new job began with its salary. At 30 years old, in my mind it was time to become the man I was intended to be, whoever that was.

I felt relieved and welcomed it.

The Roller Coaster

To say it was nothing but smooth sailing afterwards would be a lie. For the next decade I fought with myself over surprising feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, needing to prove myself at everything. I had no idea I would feel that way as I had never been short of self assurance previously. I knew failing in my first marriage was a cause. I could still hear the words of my ex claiming I would not have progressed in my career as well as I had without her family pulling strings. I knew some of that was spite and anger talking as it was not true, but it left a mark. Had she known what many of the people who came to my aid thought of her and her family, she may have been more humble and a whole lot less vindictive. I would not admit it to her, but I felt I had something to prove.

I simply had no foundation other than seeking to know more about Jesus and authentic Christian living. My side of the family had become an even worse mess than when I was a youngster. Whereas Rock Star came from a solid working class family who had it together. They welcomed me in and accepted me with open arms as one of their own. I could not even give her in-laws that could be in the same room together without trouble breaking out.

I was still too career oriented, just like my father. I was overly ambitious. I gave physically of myself to our marriage, family and home; but my heart was not always in it. I would play the game at work and not shift gears well when I came home. The wheel in the hamster cage kept spinning and this hamster did not go anywhere different.

I was so clueless and self absorbed that it never occurred to me for years into our marriage that Rock Star was experiencing those same feelings of inadequacy and had resorted to working herself silly to make sure she did not fail again.

Adding to the stress was a now rebellious teenaged step daughter. Then five years after our daughter was born we finally learned why she was speech delayed. She had Central Auditory Processing Disorder, a condition that could have been eliminated at an early age had our highly experienced and respected pediatricians noted what we told them about her lack of progress and checked to see if she needed simple tubes in her ears. Which of course, she did as it turned out. Three years too late to help her speech and language comprehension delays. To say we were frustrated is an understatement. Our love was still strong, but our patience with even the little irritants was gone. My Bible studies had stagnated, although our participation had increased as teachers in the children’s ministry.

Rock Star and I talked it through and decided it was time for her to call it a day as a working mom and wife. A career she had built over 20+ years needed to come to an end. She was willing, once again, to make a selfless decision and change. I made enough for us to get by and that would give her the time we needed to devote to our daughter and the long road ahead with catching her up and keeping her on pace in school while trying to put a lasso over the teenager’s head to keep her from blowing herself up. During this same time my banking employer sold out, about the time I was finishing the Pilot Travel Ventures deal. Over the ensuing months it became clear that the new employer was going to be just plain awful.

Then one day a business customer approached me about coming to work for him in a Chief Administrative Officer role. The pay would be 33% higher with a company vehicle and benefits provided. He needed somebody with my skillset to guide the company internally through its expansion plans.

I did not stop to consider that this door was not opened by the Lord. I did not feel the need for digging deeper into the company, after all they had been in existence for over 60 years in a traditional, equipment line of business and had been my customer for several years. I thought I knew their financial condition from statements and tax returns. I understood the business and how I could improve their operations.

I contacted my attorney to negotiate the employment contract. Where do I sign?

It would become the best disaster that I ever experienced in my entire life.

It would lead to a first class education into all things legal, the corrupt judiciary, FIB, DODGE, local law unenforcement, EPA incompetence, bank fraud, insurance fraud, CPA fraud, IRS tax fraud, and so much more. All of it over eight months of employment with the total mess lasting four years.

Conclusion

We will lead off with this in the next part as it became the central event in my life that led me back to the Cross where Jesus died for my sins and the sins of the world. It led to when I knew what I knew and was truly born again. It led to my rock star wife and I truly becoming one as God intended. Stuff that is unusual or could not be coincidental happened as a couple of our more notable posters on here discussed about happening in their lives recently in a daily.

Spoiler alert: It led to our nation’s Rome to witness to the Lord’s goodness and accomplish work projects that helped many We the People in the process. Somehow I lived through it all. Which may be one reason why the Lord has left me here this long; to tell the stories.

Until next time I pray Jehovah Shalom (The Lord is Peace) who is Jehovah Raah (The Lord, my Shepherd) will lead you joyously into His comforting, protective arms. It is a wonderful place to be.